Close to Fine

Today was one of those days when everyone's beautiful. As I rode my bike up to campus, all the people I passed seemed translucent: their fragility and strength, their hopes and fears all visibly shimmering and quivering inside them, announcing their individual humanity.

[This is where the chorus breaks into a round of "We are stardust, we are golden, and we have got to get ourselves back to the garden."]

Sometimes when I ride through Berkeley, I look at the lovely houses with their perfect xeriscaped yards on tree-lined streets and I feel sad and a little confused: why didn't my life lead me here? why don't I live in a house like this, on a street like this? why am I not spending my weekends futzing in the garden and refinishing antiques? Other times I just shake my head and wonder how such comfort and excess can exist in such close proximity to the squalor and hopelessness that are the hallmarks of neighborhoods less than 5 miles away. I think about Octavia Butler's vision of the decline of the middle class enclave depicted in her book Parable of the Sower, and wonder how much longer until the poor rise up?

But today I had no such thoughts. I was able to admire the houses without coveting them or disdaining them. I saw ceanothus in bloom. I saw wisteria in bloom. I saw orange poppies in green grass. I saw the people with their imperfections and their longing. I smiled at them and some of them smiled back. Even people in cars smiled at me, and today none of them tried to kill me through their usual inattentiveness and thoughtlessness.

A lively discussion in my seminar reminded me of how much I like a lively discussion and that school really is a place I feel comfortable and free to be myself. The next question is whether I can get that same feeling any place else or in any way besides being a student. Imagine how the world would be different if everyone got to do whatever it is that makes them feel alive and valuable and stimulated every day. A world full of happy, curious, engaged people.

[Now for a chorus of "Shiny happy people holding hands/Shiny happy people laughing" with the understanding that it is not to be heard ironically, no matter the intentions of r.e.m., or maybe what we want here is "It's the end of the world (as we know it) and I feel fine"? Hmmm. I think the soundtrack needs tweaking.]

I am feeling hopeful and grateful, so all my chemicals and hormones must be flowing in the optimal amounts, or maybe the stars are aligned correctly. I'm looking forward to going to Australia this summer and to starting a new job in the fall (though I don't know what it will be), but right now I'm going to concentrate on right now.

[chorus: "The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine"]